Room 101

Today I wish to discuss my pet hate, the one thing that tops my list labelled 'For Room 101'.  And it is all in the way you sign off your e-mails.  Consider this:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am just writing to commend you on your excellent customer service.  The phone was answered in seconds, there was no automated machine asking me to press numbers on my phone, followed by the hash key, and there was no annoying hold music. 

When I outlined my problem to the member of staff who answered the phone, not only was my problem resolved without a fuss, but I received a complimentary free service for taking the trouble to phone you.

5 gold star standard of service, a very well done to you!

Best wishes,

J. Poole

Now take the same e-mail, signed off slightly differently...

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am just writing to commend you on your excellent customer service.  The phone was answered in seconds, there was no automated machine asking me to press numbers on my phone, followed by the hash key, and there was no annoying hold music. 

When I outlined my problem to the member of staff who answered the phone, not only was my problem resolved without a fuss, but I received a complimentary free service for taking the trouble to phone you.

5 gold star standard of service, a very well done to you!

Regards,

J. Poole


Regards?   Regards???  You just told me our customer service rating was 5 gold stars?  And now you offer me a simply 'regard'?  What is wrong with you?

When I see an e-mail signed off 'regards' I get a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach, and start to retrace all my encounters with said person to see if I can find out why I deserve such an atrocity. 

The problem is that the word has a dual meaning, and my brain never thinks of it the right way.  You might have a high regard for someone, you might want to pass on your regards to someone, that's all good and fine.  But when you sign off 'regards' suddenly I don't think you're sending me warmest wishes.  Instead I think that you're merely looking at me.  I start thinking about the meaning  'a steady or significant look' (as defined by Oxford) and that could be anything from a stare to a downright hackey!  Since no-one tends to use it so positively anymore in conversation, when used in an e-mail I can think of it only in this negative context.  And the very nature of the word in its harsh-ness (re-Gards.  G-G-G) seems so far removed from anything polite.  I could very well use the sentence 'She regarded him with disgust'  which suddenly makes the 'regards' not seem so pleasant.

Okay, I think I've made my point.  I don't like it. 

And don't even get me started on 'kind regards'.

Best wishes,

Frankie