Believe in Your #Selfie

She hopped on the train
and slid in her seat,
clutching her bag,
ticket in her teeth,
rummaging for her phone
in the depths of her pocket,
in her 90s, throwback, denim jacket.

The wifi was down,
the journey was long,
sick of that Justin Bieber song
(oh come on - you know the one!
It was at number 1
for far too long!)
And like his refrain-
she'd heard again and again-
she took his advice whilst sat on that train
because she liked the way that she looked
just as much
as that on point hook,
or that Hunger Games book,
so without mind or care for anyone else,
she began to love herself.

Selfie mode on,
cap pulled back,
phone on silent,
no click or flash:
head to the left
pout to the right -
the camera loved her in that light
alright.

She had a badass handle
on the tilt of that angle,
consumed by the lust
for the perfect lux,
she shot and re-shot,
cut and cropped,
lo-fi?
Nashville?
Oh, juno's hot!

An insta-ninja
a hipster pinner
a pouting, duck-lipped
00s grinner
with unbeaten flair
for short hair
don't care
with just a slight air
of 'oh, I've been there!'

And the 3 hours passed
in the quickest flash
with no need to tag
and pit bull to red flag
when the pic she loved most
she neglected to post
and denied social media the honour to host.
'Cause she didn't need
her pose to bleed
its way onto your Facebook feed-
a like, a love, a viral fixation,
would never provide her true validation!

No, this girl had conviction,
knew it was healthy,
to believe in yourself,
sorry, to belief in your selfie!

My beef with Bill

Have you met Bill? Chances are, if you haven't been in a cave for the past two weeks, then you have. Bill is a stick man and he has a Facebook page with a stream of funny posts in, more or less in the same format. Each post encourages you to 'be like Bill'. You know, don't use Facebook to post about your ex, or don't use Facebook to tell other people what the weather is doing, or don't use Facebook to tell your friends that you just went to the gym (show off!)

But, wait a minute, don't tell people you just went to the gym?

See, at first I kinda thought the posts were funny.  Yes, I can see it's snowing outside, I agree, you don't need to post SNOW! in case I hadn't noticed. And ha-ha, yes it is annoying when people write statuses about people without mentioning them by name, people should probably lay off that.  But...let's examine some of the other things that Bill doesn't do:

1) Bill doesn't take pictures of his meals before he eats them and post them for his friends to see
2) Bill doesn't like his own photos on Facebook
3) Bill doesn't take selfies in the gym with his top off
4) Bill doesn't use Facebook to ask questions, he uses Google instead
5) Bill doesn't use Facebook to chat to a girl he likes (because he goes to talk to her in person instead)

Who made these rules?

Okay, sure, I'm not saying Facebook is a much better place for these things, but I don't think people aren't 'smart' if they do any of them.  I mean, I have had to ask questions on Facebook before, when Google has failed me (or when I temporarily forgot that Google existed...yes - that happened!) I've definitely seen people like their own photos - and they were really good photos, so why ever not? I don't really mind if people take selfies. I mean, I'm not especially sure I want to see some dude take his top off for them, but I have heard of hiding posts/people and the 'see less of this' option.

I know someone just created Bill for a laugh, but I think this kind of humour has the potential to restrict people's genuine expression of who they are.  Yes, Facebook has a set of norms and values, in fact it has a set of T&Cs which should be followed.  However I firmly believe that you should be proud that you just went to the gym/just finished a run/just finished that ridiculously difficult level on Candy Crush.  And why can't you share that with the people you like?

No reason whatsoever. 

So, no, don't be like Bill.  Be like you.  Don't be afraid to post those fabulous photos of your meals! After all, the haters are too busy reading posts by Bill to see them anyway ;)

The Dancing Decoy

There's a line inside my mind
that my thoughts dance with sometimes,
I never know where it is
or how to avoid it
but when it happens, I can't fail to notice.

Heart is a hammer
rattling the cage,
mind moving faster
fumbling through each page,
never quite discovering
what I'm searching for,
just knowing that when I find it
dust will settle, cool the core.

There's a line inside my mind
that becomes a swing-rope sometimes,
the inner me
will never flee
just feel the burn, whilst gripping tightly.

Train careering off its track
slips and races down my back,
shivers chasing up my spine
can't place the source of it this time...

There's a line inside my mind
crossing another, forming a bind,
I might never get it
or make sense of it,
what causes it
or forces it
to close a bit
and tighten in,
contricted and frightening,
but when it's happening
the only thing
that can be done
to force a draw,
or force a door,
is plan a distraction;
the escape clause.

And so I dive into the moment
earphones in, feeling hopeless,
til the notes are all I'm breathing
open mouthed, because I'm singing,
just can't help it anymore
not about to lose the war,
choreograph moves to the kettle
motown, funk or heavy metal?
No-one cares, and nor do I,
when I'm dancing in the sky.

I'm lost, it's working,
hands still burning,
but mind barely churning-
now I've chosen to deploy
the dancing decoy!

There's a line inside my mind
that my thoughts dance with sometimes
it attacks as I unwind
but if it's a dance it wants
then it's a dance it gets...
oh it's not seen my best moves yet!

The Tale of Windows 10 and its Culture Club Obsession

I've got a problem with Windows 10
it comes and then it goes again
I'm logging on
and then it's 'DONG'
like the timely chime of the Big Ben.

I notice the flashing notification
that leaves so swift, with little patience
and am aggrieved
and less than pleased
with little time to read in the short duration.

I made a plan to be in position
and armed with paper, pen and acute precision
so that next time
I'd write down the line
before it disappears from vision.

So finally I have it smote
because it's written down on a post-it note:
'Windows couldn't connect...'
and I couldn't care less!
I'm all 'Oh. No. How. Will. I. Cope?'

The 'DONG' and the notice
about the Group Policy Service
still bother me
as it won't leave me be
so I tried to find out what the antidote is...

I scoured the forums
and YouTube like a crazed moron
but the specific fix
didn't make the list
of wiki-how vids (due to some weird tech decorum?)

I realise my mistake
(although a little too late)
I should never have ran a Windows 10 update!
But it's all done now
and I don't know
to reverse
the curse
of redundant upgrades.

So just like the song
(and that incessant DONG)
it's karma-karma-karma-chameleon;
it comes and goes
and nobody knows
where the GPCS prompt actually roams...

or why it can't leave me alone!


PS: If you know the fix: sharing is caring ;)

Things I Discovered this Summer (SPOILER: No Voyages Involved)

It has been a summer of discovery for me this year.  By this, I don't mean that I've been lucky enough to discover a new species of animal, be part of a maiden voyage across the seven seas, stumbling across a long undiscovered island nestled in the far reaches of the northern hemisphere.  Sadly I also do not mean that I have discovered a way to bypass Prince's Spotify ban, and thereby listen to something other than 'Stare' via this particular steaming medium (I got a bit excited when Spotify started playing Prince yesterday, only to release that it was playing songs I already own via iTunes).

Whilst all of these would be pretty cool discoveries, I more mean that I have learned a few things this summer that I didn't already know.  I thought I'd share some with you.

1) Coal and charcoal are not the same thing.  Like, seriously, why did no-one tell me this before? I though charcoal was just a fancy BBQ specific name for something which was just, well, a relaxed diamond. (Pssst, I just googled the whole coal/diamond thing and also discovered that diamonds don't form from coal.  Read all about it here.)

2) Nobody creates purses/wallets with enough space for the number of loyalty cards the average person holds in contemporary times. I have basically stopped resisting shop assistants.  If you say no to the question, 'would you like 15% off your next purchase and a free gift on your birthday?' then you get looked at like a crazy person.  As people are pretty much already looking at me like a crazy person for singing the entirety of 'Call Me Maybe' without messing up one lyric whilst browsing the shop displays, it's best to just go with the flow.

3) Tesco very rarely has soya natural 'yoghurt', raspberries and soya white chocolate in all at the same time.  And this isn't cool when you're trying to make dairy free white chocolate and raspberry muffins!

4) When it rains, I buy more.  Shops = shelter.

5) Richard O'Brien would almost definitely wear a leopard print boob tube if he was a woman. (Although I'm not sure he would buy it for £1 in the sale at H&M).

6) When you accidentally follow someone to a social event, it's best not to announce to them that you followed them.  It freaks them out.  And also somehow means that you end up accidentally seeing them everywhere and paranoid that maybe you are following them... (For all I know Derren Brown is behind all of this...)

7) Two cinema trips in one day is absolutely fine. Two bags of popcorn probably isn't...

8) The Bob Marley theory extends beyond the realm of music.  If you want to watch the X Factor without adding the disclaimer 'it's my guilty pleasure', much prefer dancing to running and think taking selfies is super fun then don't sweat it. People are always going to tell you that what you like is silly, so as long as you don't say the same things about the stuff other people dig, you can just be happy that what you like is cool, simply because you like it* :) (Read my blog post of 2011 on The Bob Marley Theory here).

*Obvious exceptions apply - this is about tastes as opposed to moral issues.

9) Nothing quite fills the hole left by Gossip Girl. Which, yes, I realise I got into WAY too late.

10) I have way more chance of being a ukulele rock star than a piano rock star, even if I have yet to master the art of strumming patterns.

So, there you have it, my summer of discoveries.  I definitely would not call that wasted time!  What did you discover this summer? How to get rid of flying ants? How many fun facts about Prince you can withstand before needing to wallop me over the head with a cushion? The best book you've ever read? Leave me a comment and let me know :)

The Greatest Adventure

Telly bosses express distaste

for Christianity, what a waste,

unless, of course, they can expose

the hypocrisy,

I mean,

don't you see?

Nothing's meant to be!

It's just fallacy.

And so I watch on with horror,

because telly reflections just do not mirror

accurately

the reality

of what it means to be saved

or to receive grace

or to seek His face

and sacrifice praise.

We're always alien

we're the weird 'other'

who call each other 'sister' and 'brother'

and if we're not

we've an evil side

and what would Jesus say?

They ask, because this is just not right.

But this life isn't boring

and that's a fact

even if nuns aren't really

like they are on Sister Act.

I've never been more excited

to wake up each day

and tackle every challenge

that comes my way

praying, please Lord, let me be your spy,

I'm your double oh seven

your secret agent

show me someone that needs a blessing.

I never have to worry

I never have to strive

because I've nothing missing

with God by my side

He's my personal hero

and He's your hero too

He doesn't mind where you came from

and He's got a plan for you.

So if being saved is boring

then I'm still waiting for the yawning...

Even if films still fancy us

as plain and dull

do-gooders

or back stabbers

and hypocrites,

self-righteous

with evil bits,

then that's okay,

as long as you know

that it's fiction

that's as far as it goes,

because my circumstance

does not have to dictate

my happiness, I don't have to wait

to be perfect

or for life to be perfect

to have life in abundance

overflowing, and so worth it.

So I hope it shows,

if you didn't already know

I might not be there yet

and I've still a way to go,

and if quoting Miley Cyrus is a crime

I'm sorry, but it really is the climb -

the journey is the longest part

so I'll enjoy the view with all my heart,

happy as I am,

complete in Him,

growing

and learning

now I've stopped the searching

this is the greatest adventure

and it's never boring.

A Purple Obsession

It makes my friends wince

that I've become obsessed with Prince

He's The One, and I'm convinced

and it started ever since...

He took to the stage

and despite his middle-age

he struck a chord – I was amazed,

and his eyes, they held my gaze.

I melted on the floor

thunderstruck and in such awe

that a man of such slight stature

could take my heart capture.

I almost felt in pain

when he closed with Purple Rain

(although I did get confetti in my eye

now I know why doves cry...)

And so my heart was set

as fixed as you could ever get,

and at the age of twenty-six

I'd discovered love of Prince.

And from this monumental day

(it was the 23^rd of May)

I knew that we were meant to be

if only he would notice me.

I started every morn at 9

with a little 1999

(Until my dreams about the apocalypse

and freaky purple skies).

And before I went to bed

I'd dance the whole of 'Little Red

Corvette'

and yet

he has a private jet,

I'd bet!

My friends were beside themselves

and worried for my health

they threatened to have me sectioned

and planned a PRINCE-tervention...

But what they didn't realise

was that my heart was telling lies

and that my new found infatuation

was a blessing in disguise.

You see I needed a way to start

to heal my broken heart

and an unrealistic attraction

was the perfect distraction

from the pain that I still felt

and the purple one, he helped.

So yes he's older than my Dad

and yes, I am a little mad,

but Prince, you see... he's not so bad

he gave me focus, made me glad.

So I'll be thankful for the funk and roll

that fixed my heart and soothed my soul.

No, don't take it out on Mr Nelson

because in winning my affection

he stepped inside my crazy brain

and occupied my full attention.

He gave me something to take away

from all the hurt and all the pain,

so maybe you could let it slide

just this once, it could pass by?

I'll try to hold in all fun facts,

although this is a mammoth task

(Like, I bet you didn't know it's true

he wrote Nothing Compares To You)

And in the meantime, please be satisfied

that I know, I could never lie

Prince isn't The One,

and do you know why?

Because he's-

Nah, I can't think of a reason.

He's The One isn't he?

Yep.