The Pressure to Move

The pressure to do,
to really, really move
and get on with it
and snap, snap, quick, quick,
no time to waste,
sign it in haste,
because you'd really hate
to leave it too late,
don't sit down and wait!

I feel that too.
It's the gnawing, agitating, niggle of a feeling
that won't leave me alone when I get round to sleeping,
or, rather, struggle to get to that bit
with my heart, pounding,
breathing, catching,
ragged
staggered,
tossed upon the breeze
of airy, fairy
oops-a-daisy;
I can't relax -
this is driving me crazy!

But the thing is,
amongst that panic,
the shrieking of strings
on seventeen violins
and the scent of adrenaline,
there's a Still Voice -
and I have a choice.

I can listen to the amateur dramatics
and the fuzzy sound of static
coming from my mind's attic -
or I can drown out the traffic
of these anxious antics
with a conscious decision not to just panic!

And when I listen
to the wisdom
that when you knock, is never hidden
I find a sense of peace within;
a pattern to the rhythm!

Sometimes it's time to move
you have to up and go
when you get The Call
you hear it loud,
you know that you know that you know.

And just in the same way,
when you need to ride the pace
you'll know with more than intuition
to take your time on the decision
and the anxiousness
of the rush/rush
is not any way to be living.

And by the same token
everything has a season
and I'm not broken
if mine doesn't fit your reason...

Because I follow God,
and the guidance of His Spirit
so no, I'm not letting life go by
I'm relying on my Standby,
and there's an absence of anxiousness
no sudden pirouette of mega-stress,
in the presence of my Advocate.

So thank You, Lord,
for Your counsel,
though it leads others to wonder,
I know I can depend on Your strength and comfort
no matter what pressure I'm under.

29

I thought I'd write a little rhyme
about what it means to be 29,
granted I haven't got there yet,
if we want to be technical about it...
And all I see
is positivity
and countless possibilities
and all the growth that my twenties
have quite kindly afforded me:

I know what I am
and I know what I'm not,
I know what I lack
and I know what I've got,
I know what I want
and I know where I've been,
and the love and the pain and the tears that I've seen,
and the fence, and the dirt and the grass that's as green
as you expect and hope and want it to be.

So if I could go back to 20 year old me
I'd have words of advice for that silly baby
like 'don't take yourself so seriously'
and 'let yourself be just who you want to be'.
But in a way I'm glad I didn't
because I prefer my future hidden -
not that I have a time machine
or anything, but you know what I mean -
although, sorry guys, but SPOILER ALERT
it kinda involves getting burnt
on the BBQ of love
and all that stuff.
But it's all worth it in the end:
this love, this beer and all my friends...

So let me conclude
this little muse
with a little interlude
of what the past few years have enabled me
to do, to see and to achieve.
(A fitting moment to interject,
that the best is yet to come, I bet!)

I made best friends,
loved all the wrong men,
I found love
then lost it again.
I taught the youth of County Durham
then taught the Polish British custom.
I fell in love in the Krakow renek,
the best 6 months, and I'll never forget it -
the crack of my heart, and the weight of the pain,
waving my lover goodbye on a Silesian train.
And the strangers I met on the seat of a plane,
and dancing in the treetops in Australian rain,
and the countless pairs of ridiculous shoes,
and that time I asked McFly to sign my boobs...

I met the vampire from my teenage dream,
and the boy that refused to give up on me,
but ultimately snapped my heart in two,
because sometimes that's what good guys do.
Standing on stage in the Royal Albert Hall,
well, a function room, but I barely care at all,
and becoming obsessed with the man who wrote 'Kiss',
but he was wrong because nothing compares to this:

reflecting on the past 9 years in such good company,
standing firm on the knowledge that God loves me,
being so thankful for every second in His presence,
so precious,
what a present,
that I could never repay,
so all I can say
is thank You
and thank you
for the gift of today,
right now on my almost birthday.

Disco Fever is the New Cabin Fever

Wait all week
for the day off of your dreams
you've been getting through
with the weekend in view
and those songs on repeat
but something's off key
and the record is stuck
because your own company
kicks you right in the gut.

Why do I feel scared
when I spend this time alone?
Not when I'm out and about
just when I'm at home.
My house imprisons me in fear,
encaged when no-one else is here,
yet perfectly able to escape
just no desire to volunteer.

The door is closed
latch is on
but I told you
what you're running from
is what you need exposure to,
just spend time being with you.

It seems her sole ambition
to master drama in the kitchen
appears to calm
and does no harm
so meets no opposition.
Her whimsy is to rally
with some street moves in the galley
shoulder lock and pop
a no stop body drop;
her over-act to Spandau Ballet.
You can almost see disco lights
flashing frenzy every night
portable, set up in haste
because this move's too good to waste.

And in her pure, uncensored state,
she's a lot to take in
but sorta hard to hate
when you're living
with it day in
day out
you find you can't do without
busting a move
to some retro tune,
finding your groove
to guilty auto-tune,
or total lip sync
to eighties synth,
or out of control
air drum to Toto.

And somewhere between
the green
of a golden oldie on karaoke
and the concrete fear of tears
to Tears for Fears
you see the unseen
inside
fly on the wall
of what makes her tick
when she's feeling so small
and you realise you don't mind at all.

So anytime you hear that doubt
battering against the bars, screaming to get out,
don't give in and believe the lies
the enemy
tries to disguise
and instead believe the truth
of what God tells you
about who you are
and what He's done for you.
No fear can compete
with Love so complete; a perfect sound that surrounds,
a grace that abounds
so freely that I've found
I'm compelled to move my feet
and take my dancing to the streets.

The Problem you Discover when you Invest in a Plumber

A dripping tap
nails down a blackboard
a car alarm that won't shut up
probably your old ford.

The feel of cotton wool,
or the scratchy surface of a fabric bag
that weird voice you put on,
and insults you fire just to make me mad.

But when the tap is fixed
the annoying thing is
that you kinda miss
the sound in the sink when the water drops in.

Everything changes,
and I'm down with that,
but it feels the strangest
now we're not back to back.
And you have someone else
who's got yours
and that's awesome
but weirdly different from before.

I guess the point is,
I got kinda attached
to the puppy I trained
but then had to give back.

Only that's not right -
because I'm pretty sure you trained me,
but never mind, whatever,
you know what I mean.

So maybe I just need to say thank you,
because I wanted to show,
that I blame you in part for the things that I know.
I've learnt not to judge,
assume,
or expect the worst,
and that when it comes to shotgun,
chocolate pastries come first.

I know, this is proper soft,
I'm maybe going daft?
I can't help it sometimes
and I'm sorry for that
(but not so sorry that a full apology
is needed, 'cause you hate them,
especially from me!)

Okay, that's enough of this,
but just before you go,
where did you learn to be the most annoying person I know?

My Reply to Your Beep

The sound of gravel hitting tyres,
engine cuts; fight the fires,
slow the dancing of my heart,
now it's just me and the dark.

And my hands are controlling me,
they're so twitchy,
my whole body
is so jumpy,
and it could be
the world, and not me,
but it's like I've just been
bathing in caffeine,
and the last 5 minutes were all nothing but a dream.

But of course you couldn't know
the lengths I'd had to go
to get to that green light
or the right lane of the road.
You see the pace but not the snail
that's been fighting tooth and nail,
so when those brake lights hit your eyes
your inner beast starts to rise...

Impulse taking over,
as your hand is getting closer
to the centre of your steering wheel -
the sound will say 'I told ya!'

But that beep to me
means so much more than you can see;
adrenaline pumping through my blood supply -
and I'm not gonna lie -
but the all-over-body shaking makes it really hard to drive.

Your daily commute
comes second nature to you,
whereas I battle every instinct by driving home this route.

365 days before
I could do little more
than a quick round trip to Tesco
(just 5 minutes from my door)
but now I'm driving every day,
forgetting what rules suit
that OCD
side of me
and anxiety to boot.

Well, my reply to your beep
is, 'I'm sorry, but go me!'
I've made so much more progress
than I'd dared even to achieve.
So before you reach your horn
I hope you might think on
the journey of the driver, and where they're coming from.

I've come such a long way,
that there's no chance, no way
that one single beep from you
can destroy my good mood today.

A Mind Like Mine

At the end of every day

every mistake

that I make

and stupid word I say

will start to re-play.

And it's hard to unwind

or leave it all behind

with the day on rewind

inside a mind like mine.

When you know what to do,

'cause they keep telling you

what you know to be true:

you've done all you can do,

it's still not easy to forget

those stupid things that I said.

Peace can be so hard to find

with a mind like mine.

And you have those worksheets

in your bag for days like these

that you're supposed to work through

to get your thinking somewhere new.

But the thought of digging deep

gives you shed loads of unease.

You're so scared of what you'll find

when you've got a mind like mine.

And those are the days I need

you to find my missing peace,

or even missing pieces

of this jigsaw incomplete.

And that's when I know

I'm asking for more than you can show

because it might be un-told

but it's there, underlined, in bold!

I wish that I could say

all of this to you today

and somehow make you understand

what it feels like in 'my land',

or what it means when you're so kind

to this silly mind of mine

when I barely deserve the patience,

never mind the time.

So I hope you can forgive me

I'm getting better, slowly,

a work in progress

a current mess,

but with a little time

I know I'll be alright

if I keep fighting the good fight;

keeping all thoughts set

on God above

inside this mind of mine.

And while you wait, just know my healing

is something I'm receiving

from a God that gives me all I need

to live beyond my feelings.

He is my Refuge, my Fortress,

and shelter from all distress

can be found within His arms

when heavy thoughts begin to oppress.

I trust the One who lifts my head up,

run the race, and never give up,

so thankful for His loving kindness,

keep on praising through the sadness.

He is the One thing

I require,

the One thing I desire

and nothing

nothing!

can separate me

from His perfect love;

no depth, no height

that you can find,

never mind a mind like mine.

When you're waiting for a sign...

I'm lost
and you're lost too
we look at each other
because we're not sure what to do.
And we've spent the whole day giggling, which is so normal for us
but it's like somebody has made us get on a bus
but we don't know the number
and we don't know the route
'where's the next stop?'
we haven't a clue!

When suddenly a familiar building, pops up on the horizon
its presence here, as always, is strangely surprising.
Like we're doing that thing again,
and dreaming the same dream,
we view it with the same eyes,
two people,
one team.

The sign on the door says, "Join us for Open Mic"
And your sneer of derision sounds much like,
"On your bike,
No way Jose!
That will really be the day!"
And I'm almost with you, until I say...

"This is it.  This is what we were waiting for.
Life has just begun.
It is about silly photos and laughing in the sun,
but there's something more too,
but we have to go out and get it.
Life wants to hand us lemons, but we're not gonna let it!"

You look at me like I've cracked,
I've finally gone and lost it,
but au contraire, I've had this all along,
I've actually gone and got it.
"You keep looking at the sky
and waiting for a sign
as though it will crash down and hit you
just in the nick of time.
Well, darl, don't you see,
that's never going to be,
the sign you're looking for
is on that door,
a new opportunity!"

You grin at me,
you feel it's true,
it's pulsing through your veins.
And knowing what to do,
it dawns on you,
that, no, I'm not insane.

This is the stop,
we must get off,
and in we go,
incredulously, though,
there is a sign,
a sign inside,
that demonstrates that we were right.
It reads:
If you were looking for a sign,
this is it.
And this is it.
And so it begins...