My Reply to Your Beep

The sound of gravel hitting tyres,
engine cuts; fight the fires,
slow the dancing of my heart,
now it's just me and the dark.

And my hands are controlling me,
they're so twitchy,
my whole body
is so jumpy,
and it could be
the world, and not me,
but it's like I've just been
bathing in caffeine,
and the last 5 minutes were all nothing but a dream.

But of course you couldn't know
the lengths I'd had to go
to get to that green light
or the right lane of the road.
You see the pace but not the snail
that's been fighting tooth and nail,
so when those brake lights hit your eyes
your inner beast starts to rise...

Impulse taking over,
as your hand is getting closer
to the centre of your steering wheel -
the sound will say 'I told ya!'

But that beep to me
means so much more than you can see;
adrenaline pumping through my blood supply -
and I'm not gonna lie -
but the all-over-body shaking makes it really hard to drive.

Your daily commute
comes second nature to you,
whereas I battle every instinct by driving home this route.

365 days before
I could do little more
than a quick round trip to Tesco
(just 5 minutes from my door)
but now I'm driving every day,
forgetting what rules suit
that OCD
side of me
and anxiety to boot.

Well, my reply to your beep
is, 'I'm sorry, but go me!'
I've made so much more progress
than I'd dared even to achieve.
So before you reach your horn
I hope you might think on
the journey of the driver, and where they're coming from.

I've come such a long way,
that there's no chance, no way
that one single beep from you
can destroy my good mood today.

A Mind Like Mine

At the end of every day

every mistake

that I make

and stupid word I say

will start to re-play.

And it's hard to unwind

or leave it all behind

with the day on rewind

inside a mind like mine.

When you know what to do,

'cause they keep telling you

what you know to be true:

you've done all you can do,

it's still not easy to forget

those stupid things that I said.

Peace can be so hard to find

with a mind like mine.

And you have those worksheets

in your bag for days like these

that you're supposed to work through

to get your thinking somewhere new.

But the thought of digging deep

gives you shed loads of unease.

You're so scared of what you'll find

when you've got a mind like mine.

And those are the days I need

you to find my missing peace,

or even missing pieces

of this jigsaw incomplete.

And that's when I know

I'm asking for more than you can show

because it might be un-told

but it's there, underlined, in bold!

I wish that I could say

all of this to you today

and somehow make you understand

what it feels like in 'my land',

or what it means when you're so kind

to this silly mind of mine

when I barely deserve the patience,

never mind the time.

So I hope you can forgive me

I'm getting better, slowly,

a work in progress

a current mess,

but with a little time

I know I'll be alright

if I keep fighting the good fight;

keeping all thoughts set

on God above

inside this mind of mine.

And while you wait, just know my healing

is something I'm receiving

from a God that gives me all I need

to live beyond my feelings.

He is my Refuge, my Fortress,

and shelter from all distress

can be found within His arms

when heavy thoughts begin to oppress.

I trust the One who lifts my head up,

run the race, and never give up,

so thankful for His loving kindness,

keep on praising through the sadness.

He is the One thing

I require,

the One thing I desire

and nothing

nothing!

can separate me

from His perfect love;

no depth, no height

that you can find,

never mind a mind like mine.

When you're waiting for a sign...

I'm lost
and you're lost too
we look at each other
because we're not sure what to do.
And we've spent the whole day giggling, which is so normal for us
but it's like somebody has made us get on a bus
but we don't know the number
and we don't know the route
'where's the next stop?'
we haven't a clue!

When suddenly a familiar building, pops up on the horizon
its presence here, as always, is strangely surprising.
Like we're doing that thing again,
and dreaming the same dream,
we view it with the same eyes,
two people,
one team.

The sign on the door says, "Join us for Open Mic"
And your sneer of derision sounds much like,
"On your bike,
No way Jose!
That will really be the day!"
And I'm almost with you, until I say...

"This is it.  This is what we were waiting for.
Life has just begun.
It is about silly photos and laughing in the sun,
but there's something more too,
but we have to go out and get it.
Life wants to hand us lemons, but we're not gonna let it!"

You look at me like I've cracked,
I've finally gone and lost it,
but au contraire, I've had this all along,
I've actually gone and got it.
"You keep looking at the sky
and waiting for a sign
as though it will crash down and hit you
just in the nick of time.
Well, darl, don't you see,
that's never going to be,
the sign you're looking for
is on that door,
a new opportunity!"

You grin at me,
you feel it's true,
it's pulsing through your veins.
And knowing what to do,
it dawns on you,
that, no, I'm not insane.

This is the stop,
we must get off,
and in we go,
incredulously, though,
there is a sign,
a sign inside,
that demonstrates that we were right.
It reads:
If you were looking for a sign,
this is it.
And this is it.
And so it begins...

Believe in Your #Selfie

She hopped on the train
and slid in her seat,
clutching her bag,
ticket in her teeth,
rummaging for her phone
in the depths of her pocket,
in her 90s, throwback, denim jacket.

The wifi was down,
the journey was long,
sick of that Justin Bieber song
(oh come on - you know the one!
It was at number 1
for far too long!)
And like his refrain-
she'd heard again and again-
she took his advice whilst sat on that train
because she liked the way that she looked
just as much
as that on point hook,
or that Hunger Games book,
so without mind or care for anyone else,
she began to love herself.

Selfie mode on,
cap pulled back,
phone on silent,
no click or flash:
head to the left
pout to the right -
the camera loved her in that light
alright.

She had a badass handle
on the tilt of that angle,
consumed by the lust
for the perfect lux,
she shot and re-shot,
cut and cropped,
lo-fi?
Nashville?
Oh, juno's hot!

An insta-ninja
a hipster pinner
a pouting, duck-lipped
00s grinner
with unbeaten flair
for short hair
don't care
with just a slight air
of 'oh, I've been there!'

And the 3 hours passed
in the quickest flash
with no need to tag
and pit bull to red flag
when the pic she loved most
she neglected to post
and denied social media the honour to host.
'Cause she didn't need
her pose to bleed
its way onto your Facebook feed-
a like, a love, a viral fixation,
would never provide her true validation!

No, this girl had conviction,
knew it was healthy,
to believe in yourself,
sorry, to belief in your selfie!

My beef with Bill

Have you met Bill? Chances are, if you haven't been in a cave for the past two weeks, then you have. Bill is a stick man and he has a Facebook page with a stream of funny posts in, more or less in the same format. Each post encourages you to 'be like Bill'. You know, don't use Facebook to post about your ex, or don't use Facebook to tell other people what the weather is doing, or don't use Facebook to tell your friends that you just went to the gym (show off!)

But, wait a minute, don't tell people you just went to the gym?

See, at first I kinda thought the posts were funny.  Yes, I can see it's snowing outside, I agree, you don't need to post SNOW! in case I hadn't noticed. And ha-ha, yes it is annoying when people write statuses about people without mentioning them by name, people should probably lay off that.  But...let's examine some of the other things that Bill doesn't do:

1) Bill doesn't take pictures of his meals before he eats them and post them for his friends to see
2) Bill doesn't like his own photos on Facebook
3) Bill doesn't take selfies in the gym with his top off
4) Bill doesn't use Facebook to ask questions, he uses Google instead
5) Bill doesn't use Facebook to chat to a girl he likes (because he goes to talk to her in person instead)

Who made these rules?

Okay, sure, I'm not saying Facebook is a much better place for these things, but I don't think people aren't 'smart' if they do any of them.  I mean, I have had to ask questions on Facebook before, when Google has failed me (or when I temporarily forgot that Google existed...yes - that happened!) I've definitely seen people like their own photos - and they were really good photos, so why ever not? I don't really mind if people take selfies. I mean, I'm not especially sure I want to see some dude take his top off for them, but I have heard of hiding posts/people and the 'see less of this' option.

I know someone just created Bill for a laugh, but I think this kind of humour has the potential to restrict people's genuine expression of who they are.  Yes, Facebook has a set of norms and values, in fact it has a set of T&Cs which should be followed.  However I firmly believe that you should be proud that you just went to the gym/just finished a run/just finished that ridiculously difficult level on Candy Crush.  And why can't you share that with the people you like?

No reason whatsoever. 

So, no, don't be like Bill.  Be like you.  Don't be afraid to post those fabulous photos of your meals! After all, the haters are too busy reading posts by Bill to see them anyway ;)