Why I'd rather bury my head in a pit of eels than be an athlete.

Well, it's always in the summer that my attention has to turn to the complete standstill of the world because of the supposed importance of some sporting event or other.  I probably sound a little ignorant right now, what, with the olympics just starting, and surely this ancient competition that is steeped in history and culture, a celebration of diversity and community deserves a little more credit than a blasé label like that?  Maybe you're right.  My point is that for someone who has about as much interest in sport as a butterfly has in Masterchef, it's rather frustrating, to say the least.

The news channels forget that anything is happening in the world other than people winning (or not winning) gold medals, or trophies, or whatever it is that you get for winning the Tour de France (???)  Suddenly, violence in Syria, or debt in Greece, or unemployment in Spain, is not even news worthy.

Moreover, those who do not understand the sport or the athletics are left behind.  I have no idea the rules of many of these sporting events, I don't know what constitutes a loss and what constitutes a win.  When Wimbledon was on the telly, I wasn't really sure why people were clapping?  I could barely see the tennis ball it was so fast up and down the court...is that a good thing?

My memories of sport as a child are something like this:
Firstly Sports Day at primary school.  Running along with an egg and spoon, and that weird obstacle course that involved bean bags, hula hoops and some weird net thing that you had to crawl under, like you were training for the army or something.  I never quite realised how bad I was at any of these things because of the fervent cheering on I got from my Mum when she came along to support me.  Somehow finishing last didn't register on my radar as a bad thing because, well, people thought I was good enough to cheer on.

After this, sport continued in secondary school less as an ad hoc, 'Have you got your trainers?  Right let's do some PE then' and more as a timetabled activity.  That is when it became apparent that I was about as much use as a copper wire in a spaghetti bolognase.  Suddenly, I was expected to play football.  I had to chase the ball, and when I got it, kick it to someone else, or you know, into a goal or something.  Sounds pretty simple doesn't it?  Yeah, well, no-one actually explained the rules of football to me.  Beyond the simple system of how to score a goal I had no idea what a penalty was, or why it was required, or why you might need to take a corner, and what's the deal with swapping the goals at half-time?  Talk about confusing.  It was hardly surprising that I used to run in slow-motion on purpose just to avoid actually having to do anything with the ball.

Throw in a couple of PE teachers requesting I sit out of sport because I was nigh-on useless, an incident when I was so utterly pathetic at high jump that I was made to stay back at lunch time until I could get over the pole (the teacher gave up in the end, just as well or neither of us would have had a lunch break) and an incident involving hurdles that I don't really want to go into (years of taunting and teasing over that one) and my will to want to learn and to watch sport was completely annihilated.

During PE at school I was teased for being bad at sport, for not having breasts (the sort of thing that becomes rather apparent in the changing rooms) and for my clumsiness.  During a Judo lesson I relished in actually being told rules to the sport, and was happy to be able to use it effectively.  Someone who didn't really like me in my class used it as an opportunity to just beat me up, without any adherence to the rules and she had to be dragged off me by the teacher.  Is it any wonder sport came to be something more akin to torture in my mind than enjoyment and fun?

Watching sport often reminds me of my own inability, it reminds me of the taunts, the criticisms, the helplessness of the teachers who really couldn't believe there could be someone that bad at physical activity.  It's not something I like to subject myself to.

So, now, I'm 24, surely I can get over all the stupid history of my awkward teenage years where I had little or no athletic ability growing up in a cruel social hierarchy?  Surely I can just sit there and watch and enjoy other people doing something that they're good at?

Well, sport isn't as universal as music.  It's not something that everybody loves.  I agree that you don't have to be good at sport to enjoy watching it, but if you don't really understand the game then where's the joy in it?  If you only have bad memories of playing it and not understanding it, then where's the pleasure?

When I was in Australia I had the opportunity to watch an AFL game.  Not something I would have particularly chosen as an activity for myself, but the ticket was there, and I took it.  Whilst watching the game I had some of the more important rules explained to me, and it was sort of like a lightbulb was switched on.  The game became interesting to watch because I knew what was happening, and I had no bad memories of any such sport to taint my enjoyment of it.

This summer, whilst the olympics reigns the television screens there will be a few things I'll enjoy.  1) The continuing discussion and appraisal of the opening ceremony which seems to have been a platform for politics, cultural expression and, for some, provoking a critique or assessment of British history. 2) My own personal commentary on events for my own amusement.  For instance, I'm pretty sure that the amount of air time that the shower room in the diving events gets requires some sort of comedic commentating on the 'shower olympics'.  3) Lastly, I'm going to enjoy not needing to don an ill fitting outfit for physical activity, a catalyst for a string of taunts from peers.  I don't need to do PE anymore, least of all in some unattractive outfit designed by sadists.

Dear athletes of this world, take no offence at my words, there's lots of things I can do that I'm sure you'd find boring to watch.  Writing this blog for instance.  Despite this, I wish you the best of luck!

It was Earl Grey too...

For Sue:

Hey
where've you been?
I missed you, right before you walked out the door.
I didn't let you see my tears
and others didn't know
what they were for.


Hey you,
crazy you're on the other side of the world,
and yet hide
so easily, despite the web,
the world quite widely manifested.

Did you know you taught me how to travel?
Did you know you taught me to relax?
Did you know you taught me 'no worries'?
Do you know how much you make me laugh?

I bet soon you'll sneak sugar in my tea again
I bet soon we'll be laughing on the net again
I bet soon we'll dance around the room again
I bet soon we'll use plants to defend our brains
(against zombie attack
 - do you remember that?)

Hey
how've you been?
I miss you, but I know that's very silly.
I guess I just need a good laugh lately.

Hey you,
crazy you're on the other side of the world,
and yet I'd bet anything I tasted sugar in my tea just then,
and then I smile and lift my pen.